At first, I couldn’t find the words, the words to describe how a person who is always happy, a person who is always searching for the positive in a situation, a person – me – could fall into depression or how that depression makes a perpetually happy person feel.
Being a writer, not being able to find the words made this even worse. Finally though, I found them. I found them in a moment where merely breathing made me cry.
Depression – for me – is exactly like the ocean. It is vast. It seems there is no end in sight though you know you will eventually reach the shore. It is deep. Everytime you think you have hit the bottom, you find yourself deeper than before.
Sometimes you are walking on the shore, the tide barely washing the water over your toes. But most of the time, you’re just off the shore, barely keeping your head above water when all of a sudden you start getting hit with wave after wave, trying to pull you under, swimming for you life towards the light and the surface and hoping the undertow doesn’t drag you farther out to sea.
Most of the time, depression feels like you’re always about to drown.
I know I am a strong swimmer, I have never doubted that. But, I also know there are times my arms are tired, my lungs feel like they can no longer get any air, and my eyes burn from the salt.
This is why I go outside. It has always been my safe space. When I am outside among the trees and mountain tops, I feel like I can finally breathe even if just for that moment. When I’m on the mountain, I know I am far from the depth of the sea that is trying to swallow me. When I am outside, I feel alive and not like I am fighting to stay that way.
I know depression is not like this for everyone because everyone is so vastly different. However, I hope this gives anyone out there struggling a little hope that one day the sea will calm. The storm will roll away and the sun will shine again. That even someone who prides themselves on positivity can suffer at the hands of this ugly monster. While I wait on the moment my seas calm, I will continue trying to enjoy every single moment I can and try to learn from those moments while I’m swimming for my life.
While I wait on the moment my seas calm, I will continue trying to enjoy every single moment I can and try to learn from those moments while I’m swimming for my life.
I know this is short and erratic, but it’s hard to describe something that causes your brain to bounce all over the place at all of the time. If you are suffering or just need someone to talk to – please – I am here.